Fun with Tiger Woods' statement

Because adultery's hilarious!

(Transcript courtesy of The New York Times; watch full statement here, if you enjoy being bored shitless.)

Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me.

Wait. Who the fuck was in this room? I thought it was just the press and a few of your family members.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Elin and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

Things like "You like that baby?" and "Ohhh, yeahhh."

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us.

Where the bulk of Tiger's apologetic behavior will take place

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans.

Alright, while this whole thing is a steaming load excreted by a bunch of media relations sycophants, that last part was so transparently mandated by your PR team you might as well have said, "Please don't abandon him... I mean me, it'll cost us... er, me, millions of dollars." And to make it worse, the entire notion is preposterous. While your female fans were likely very disappointed, how many women give two shits about the PGA? What percentage of your fans are women? I'll be generous and say 0.7%.

Given that an overwhelming majority of your backers are male, how many of them do you think felt let down by the fact that you cheated on your wife? None of the single ones, that's for sure. As for the rest, half of them have probably cheated on their wives, and most of the other half would if they knew they'd get away with it, or if they could get the smorgasbord of tail undoubtedly available to a guy with your status. So unless you was actually sticking it to their wives specifically, I don't think they care at all less about your infidelity.

But what about the children? Won't somebody please think of the children!

Again, I think it's safe to say that virtually all of your younger fans are males. And a huge majority of them have either hit puberty or are beyond it. And you're trying to tell me that these hormone-crazed miscreants aren't a million times likelier to think what you did was kickass as opposed to being disappointed by him? C'mon.

Now surely there are some young children and conscionable adult males who felt betrayed by your behavior. But on balance, the only way you've let down the average fan is by not playing golf.

A random sampling of fans crestfallen by Tiger's philandering

For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.

To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

Wow, millions of kids? You've had a bigger impact than Mother Teresa. Banged more tunnel whores, too, I'm guessing.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

What would that be? The rusty bike pump?

For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

Well, at least now I know what it sounds like when a robot apologizes.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal.

You know what Elin hasn't shown? Her face, at this insultingly-orchestrated melodrama. Good for her; it couldn't have been easy to stay out of it, but doing so was admirable.

Elin deserves praise, not blame.

Yeah, I know. That's why I just gave her some.

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them.

That last paragraph is the only part of this whole thing that rang true. The rest of it's just disingenuous nonsense.

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me.

I don't think you really believe that. If you did, you would've taken some questions. While not doing so is understandable, it's still you setting the rules.

I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife's family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It's now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made. It's up to me to start living a life of integrity.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome.

You should have mentioned that when you first heard it, you thought the person said, "It's who you come over."

Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count.

Yes, think of all the athletes whose legacies have been destroyed by their lack of character and/or decency: Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson -- nobody knows who those guys are. Now A.C. Green, there's a living legend.

Some guy we've never heard of, owing to his lack of decency

Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.

It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I'm facing. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction.

Sex addict, my ass. You're just a guy who thought he'd get away with it. Going to rehab was nothing more than a calculated PR move: "I'm not a shameless philanderer, I'm an addict. I have a disease! You've had diseases right? Doesn't that make me a sympathetic character?" I seriously couldn't care less what you do in your his personal life, because I agree that's between you and your wife. But to me, the way you've reacted in the aftermath of this whole thing is a hell of a lot worse than your actual transgressions. Everything you've done since this news broke has been based on the-people-are-all-morons cynicism. It's appalling to me that anyone would buy what you're shoveling.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife.

Some people have made up things that never happened.

Oh, you're such a victim, Tiger. People and their awful, awful stories!

They said I used performance enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false.

Alright, we'll just take your word for it. You seem trustworthy enough.

Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things; I did.

If you are going to take responsibility for what you've done, you should also realize that it's your actions that have thrust your family into the spotlight. And I hope you didn't get too aroused by my use of the word thrust.

I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements. When my children were born, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase them. However, my behavior doesn't make it right for the media to follow my two and a half year old daughter to school and report the school's location. They staked out my wife and they pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone.

Honestly, I hope they do, too. But if they don't, it's because of what you did.

I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That's where my focus will be.

Luckily your focus has been freed up from its Gatorade-related duties.

I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously I lost track of what I was taught.

Buddhism, eh? Frankly, I thought you'd go with Jesus, but Buddha's a solid choice. And I mean that figuratively, as he appears to be pretty soft.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I've learned that's how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy. I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I'm making these remarks today.

Yes, those friends at Accenture have really stood behind you throughout.

In therapy I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me, my marriage and my children.

That also means relying on others for help. I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help. I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be.

Well now you're letting down your fans.

I don't rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game. In recent weeks I have received many thousands of emails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me.

I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner Finchem, and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course.

Yes, I'm certain that your fellow players can't wait to get a renewed-focus Tiger back onto the course. Sure, the commissioner (and eventually the tour) will miss the TV ratings, but the actual golfers stand to grab a bigger chunk of the prize money while you pretend to need rehab.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

Oh seriously, fuck off.

Thank you.

Well that's not the response I was hoping for. At all.